Lord of the Onion Rings
by WindOfDancingFlames
Summary: This is a cheap parody off of Lord of the Rings. Frodo must destroy the onion ring of evil, Aragorn and Legolas work at McDonalds, and Gandalf is the Kung Fu Wizard of ALL TIME! Please read and review.
1. The Forging of the Onion Ring

Me: I thought I'd try something new.

h890: Is it gonna be funny?

me: Heck yes!

ff: Awesome!

fg00: Hey, that's my line!

ff: Oh, whatever.

Summary: Well, it's a very weird twist on Lord of the Rings that I thought up. The name really gives it away.

h890: That's not a very good summary.

Me: I know. But whatever, I'll just start the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Yaaar!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LORD OF THE ONION RINGS

A really long time ago, when elves were not thought of as little midgets dancing around in Santa's workshop, the Dark Lord Sauron forged the one snack food…TO RULE THEM ALL! Forged in the hot oils of Mt. Evil, not even the strongest elves could resist its golden crunchiness, the juicy oniony center, and the aroma of the most delicious side dish that man has ever known. It soon waged war between men and orcs as the aroma spread throughout Middle Earth. Isildur, the king of Gondor, finally knocked the onion ring off of Sauron's Plate of Doom and Middle Earth was momentarily saved. Elrond, leader of the elves, told Isildur to throw the snack food into the oils of Mt. Evil, but the smell of the delicious onion ring possessed Isildur and he ran away with it like a sissy little girl. But one day he decided to be clumsy, dropped the snack food into a lake, and was later shot to a horrible and tragic death. Boo hoo. Then a long time later, a little weirdo hobbit named Smeagol was fishing and fell in the lake because the fish he reeled in was so big that it dragged him in and he accidentally found it. He killed his friend for it and also, like Isildur, ran away with it like a sissy little girl. He became a total freak that looked like a shaved monkey and then lost the ring after about 500 years. What a loser. Anywho, then a random little hobbit named Bilbo got it and gave it to his stepson Frodo and now is in Rivendell. Frodo however has just left the Shire and is going to destroy the Ring, even though he is a total weakling and barely has an idea of what the heck is going on. And this is where our story begins…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A tiny little hobbit was wandering aimlessly around with no idea where he was going, along with his three other tiny hobbit friends, who were also lost.

"Sam!" yelled Frodo.

"Yes?" answered Sam.

"Do you have any idea of where we're going?"

"No, Mr. Frodo. I think we're lost."

"Okay then. Thank you Sam."

Frodo kept walking and suddenly fell off of a randomly placed cliff. Mister Pippin ran towards the cliff and looked down at Mister Frodo.

"Are you okay, Frodo?" asked Pippin.

"Yes, I'm fine. I think I just found Rivendell, though," answered Frodo.

"Well, that was quick," said Merry.

So Sam, Merry, and Pippin jump off the cliff and land in Rivendell.

"Wow! We're in Rivendell, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, getting up.

"So I noticed," said Mr. Frodo.

After getting up and getting their acts together, Frodo and co. walked into the city of Rivendell, where happy little elves were singing in the trees. They suddenly got confronted by the one and only Elrond.

"Why hello, little midget man! Have you brought the onion ring?" asked Elrond as happily as he could (which, knowing Elrond, didn't seem that happy).

Yes. I have," answered Frodo. "I'll get it right now."

Frodo reached into his pocket and pulled out a perfect little onion ring.

"Oooooh!" squealed Merry. "An onion ring! I'm hungry!"

Merry snatched onion ring from Frodo and bit into it. There was suddenlt a crunching sound and Merry screamed like a little girl.

"Owie! My teeths got hurt! Evil side dish!" yelled the now angry Merry.

Angry little Merry threw it on the ground as hard as he could.

"Don't do that," said Elrond. "It's evil."

"I know. It just broke my tooth," answered Merry.

"Then why did you just throw it on the ground?"

"Because it's evil!"

"But I just said that. So technically you were stealing my words and were not obeying the copyright laws."

"What copyright laws? It's only 1213. Nobody has even thought of that yet."

"So? Just because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean you can pick on me."

"But I wasn't picking on you. I was just saying that copyright laws weren't invented yet."

"If they weren't invented yet then how did you know about them?"

"Well, you were the one who brought it up, so shouldn't you be asking yourself that question?"

"Gaaaaaah! My brain!" yelled Pippin. "I can't take your babbling on about copyright laws any longer!"

Everyone started to stare at poor little Pippin.

"What? Was it something I said?"

"Yes," answered Elrond.

Elrond suddenly turns into Smith from the Matrix and poofs outta there.

"Okay, that was weird," said Frodo.

"I agree, Mr. Frodo," said Sam.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(meanwhile)

"Legolas!" yelled Mr.Bossdude. "Get your lazy-elf-voted-ten-times-as-the-cutest-guy-award-in-Like-Totally-Magazine butt over here!"

"Yes Mr. Bossdude,"

Legolas hated his job. Slouching over, he walked over to Mr. Bossdude, who was known to get very angry at times.

"Yes sir."

"I've been noticing that you and Aragorn have been screwing around more than selling these fine McDonalds foods," said Mr. Bossdude. "Is there a reason for this?"

"Well, started off Legolas, "everybody knows that McDonalds is evil because of the weird food they sell. And also there is the problem with obesity these days. Everybody is worried about their figure. So people start to hate the people who work at McDonalds, which would mean that everybody hates me and Aragorn. We screw around because we have nothing better to do and we don't really like our jobs that much."

"I don't get it," said Mr. B. "McDonalds has always been there for me. I mean, look at me now. Can you believe I used to be a hobo?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll just ignore what you just said. Anyways, back to my meaningless story. When I was a little kid blah blah blah blah blah blah… (Legolas starts drooling) …blahnd that's how I got to be so successful today."

"Wow. Interesting story," said Legolas.

"Thank you. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!"

"Yes sir."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Me: well, this is the very short first chapter of my story. I hope you like it.

NOW REVIEW!

You know you want to…..


	2. The Retarded Journey into Moria

Me: Well, I'm back from my fabulous trip to Hawaii! We went scuba diving and I slept all day and I drank a pina colada. It was fun. Now I'm back to update this very story. And because I'm updating on Christmas, I'm giving all you people an extra long chapter!

All you people: YAY!

Me: Alright, here it goes.

Disclaimer: I don't own McDonalds or Lord of the Rings. I do own some onion rings, however.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LORD OF THE ONION RINGS: CHAPTER 2

_(Back at Mickey D's)_

"What did Mr. Bossdude want?" asked Aragorn.

"He says were messing around too much," asked Legolas. "Can you believe it?"

"Yes."

"That was a rhetorical question, Aragorn."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

Suddenly they heard Mr.Bossdude shout all the way from across the room.

"Legolas!" he yelled. "Get your lazy elf butt over here! We have a customer that needs to get something!"

"Coming!" yelled Legolas, running over to the register.

The Dark Lord Sauron was standing in front of it, ready to take his order.

"What can I get for you, sir?" asked Legolas.

"Hmmmmm. Let's see," said Sauron. "I'll take a number one combo meal, three extra large fries, two Dr. Peppers, five Big Macs-hold the pickle, a bucket of bacon grease, two Sausage McMuffins, a fruit 'n yogurt parfait, a Five-Piece Chicken Selects Meal, ten McGriddles with extra syrupy stuff, six hash browns, a mighty kids meal with the Barbie Princess toy, some more extra large fries, a double cheeseburger-hold the pickle again, two more hash browns, a ten piece Chicken McNuggets, a bucket of onion rings…"

"Ummmm…sir?" Legolas interrupted. "We don't carry onion rings here. Those are only at Burger King."

"WHAT! NO ONION RINGS! (the building starts shaking) WHAT KIND OF CRAZY PLACE DOESN'T CARRY ONION RINGS?"

"Um…McDonalds, sir," answered Legolas.

"OH. In that case, I'll just have a salad. Being a Dark Lord of Mordor sure can make you gain weight."

"That'll be $4.50 sir," said Legolas, opening the cash register.

Sauron took his wallet out and started digging in it.

"Oh man," said Sauron. "All I have is a hundred. Do you take Visa cards?"

"We sure do."

"Fabulous."

Sauron got out a Visa card out and scanned it.

"Thank you for your purchase, sir," said Legolas."

Legolas handed the teeny weeny salad to Sauron and the Dark Lord walked out the door. All of a sudden Aragorn ran up to Legolas in a panic.

"Legolas!" he yelled. "Quick! To the Batmobile!"

"What are talking about?" asked Legolas. "And what's a Batmobile?"

Aragorn started jumping up and down like a frightened kitty.

"Mr. Bossdude is going to kill me if I don't get out of here right now!"

"What happened?"

"Well, I was back there in the kitchen, pressing all of these interesting buttons, and suddenly the oven overheats and the whole kitchen blows up. Didn't you hear the enormous explosion?"

"No, I didn't."

Legolas looked back at the kitchen, which indeed was blown up.

"Oh, I see," said Legolas.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Let's go!" yelled Aragorn.

"Right behind ya!" yelled Legolas, running out the door right when Mr. Bossdude comes in.

"Hey. Where are you guys going?" asked Mr. Bossdude.

The McDonalds manager looked at the kitchen.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE &#!# HAPPENED HERE! ARAGOOOOORN!"

Mr. Bossdude proceeded to shake his hand in vengeance.

"Phew. That was close," said Legolas.

"You're telling me," said Aragorn, still running.

Five minutes later Sauron walked back into the McDonalds.

"Why hello there, Mr. Dark Lord of Mordor," said Mr. Bossdude. "What can I do ya for?"

Sauron looked at the kitchen.

"What the heck happened here?" he asked.

"Renovations," replied Mr. Bossdude with one eye twitching.

"I see," said Sauron. "Well, I came here to complain. A few minutes ago I bought a salad here and there was something wrong with it."

"What was wrong with it?"

"What was wrong with it? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH IT! I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT WAS WRONG WITH IT!"

Sauron threw a little packet of something down on the counter. Mr. Bossdude looked down at it.

"Sir, that's zesty balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing," he said.

"I KNOW! I wanted creamy ranch dressing with my salad! But _no. _You just _had _to give me ZESTY BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE! And it's not even zesty! I demand creamy ranch dressing this instant or I shall have my Nazgul kill you with the fire of a thousand evils!"

"Well, funny you should mention that. We just ran out of our creamy ranch dressing today. I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you are! I knew I should've gone to Burger King. They have onion rings there. Now for your punishment."

Sauron looked at Mr. Bossdude evilly.

"Oh $#!#."

Sauron left and the place blew up.

So, after Legolas and Aragorn left their jobs at McDonalds, they caught up with four special little hobbits. They all went off from Rivendell along with Gimli, Gandalf, and Boromir. Currently they are in Moria.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Where the heck are we?" asked Merry.

"We're in Moria, like the narrator just said," said Gimli.

"What narrator?"

"Ugh."

Gimli walked over to Gandalf.

"Whatcha doin' Gandalf?" he asked.

"I'm trying to figure to figure out how to open this danged door," answered Gandalf. "Let's see… Abracadabra?"

The door didn't open.

"Kiddywompus?"

The door still didn't open.

"Alakazam?"

The door just stays there.

"Dangit!"

The door suddenly opened.

"Well, something's wrong there," said Gimli.

"Whatever," sadi Frodo. "Let's just go in."

All of a sudden they hear Pippin scream a blood-curdling scream.

"Ahhhhh! Giant calamari!" screamed Pippin. "Even though I am hungry and giant calamari sounds really good right now I'm still scared!"

"Quickly! Into that dark, creepy tunnel!" yelled Legolas.

"Alas!" yelled Boromir. "I shall slay the foul beast!"

Boromir picked up a rock and threw it at the creature, making it fall over dead.

"Well that was surprisingly easy."

"Wow," said Aragorn. "Who knew that a giant thingy like that would die because some idiot threw a pebble at it?"

"Hey! I resemble that remark!" yelled Boromir.

"C'mon! Let's go!" yelled Sam.

They all ran into the tunnel.

"Well, that was close," said Gandalf. "Let's go further into the dark, creepy tunnel."

"Right," mumbled Gimli.

So, the Fellowship go further into the tunnel. After about two hours of walking around doing nothing, they find a bunch of goblins and slay them all. During this time, Pippin finds a stale piece of bread and eats it because he is hungry. After the battle, Merry is jealous because he was hungry too, and he thinks he should've gotten the measly piece of stale bread.

"Hey!" yelled Merry. "That piece of bread should've been mine!"

"Nuh-uh," said Pippin. "I found it first so there!"

"So? You are not worthy!"

"Well, you're not worthy even more."

"That doesn't even make sense, you nincompoop."

"Enough!" yelled Gandalf. "I can't handle it when hobbits argue! They're like midgets that are fighting over a McDonalds Happy Meal!"

"What?" asked Legolas.

"What do you mean what?" asked Gimli.

"I mean what because I used to work at MickeyD's with Aragorn."

"What?" asked Aragorn.

"Oh, shut up," said Boromir.

"You shut up!" yelled Aragorn.

"Are you talking to me?" asked Frodo. "I didn't say anything."

"No, he was talking to Gandalf, Mr.Frodo," answered Sam.

"No he wasn't," said Aragorn. "He was talking to me."

"Why would he talk to Aragorn if he barely said anything?" asked Frodo. "He should've been talking to Legolas."

"Hey!" yelled Legolas. "If anyone's the blabbermouth here it's Boromir."

"So technically he should be saying shut up to himself, right?" asked Pippin.

"SHUT THE #(! UP!" yelled Gandalf.

Okay. So after about an hour of arguing about who was telling who to shut up, the Fellowship encountered the Balrog of Morgoth. (dun dun duun) It was a very gruesome battle. So gruesome that this wouldn't be rated K+ anymore. Aw heck. I'll tell it to you anyway.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Anything but that!" yelled Gandalf.

"Yes that!" said the Balrog evilly. "I have found the one weakness of the great Gandalf the Grey! Behold!"

The Balrog pulled out a little pink Furby.

"Don't look into its eyes!" yelled Frodo. "It's possessed!"

"What kind of evil monster would torture a wizard like this!" yelled Gandalf in agony.

"HUG ME!" yelled the Furby.

"Such evil robotic cuteness!" yelled Gandalf, putting his hands over his ears in pain.

"I LOVE YOU! LET'S BE FRIENDS!"

"Noooooooooo!"

Gandalf falls off the ledge into his doom. Seconds later, the Furby jumps at the Balrog and sends it over the cliff.

"GANDAAAAAAAAAAAAALF!" yelled Frodo.

"There is no time to grieve now," said Boromir. "That possessed toy may come back any minute!"

"You're right. Let's get out of here."

So, the remaining members of the Fellowship get outta there as fast as they can. Outside, they all cry and get attacked by bloodthirsty crows. Boo hoo. Pippin later finds out that he hates bloodthirsty crows. So did Merry. It really is sad how stupid hobbits are, isn't it? That's why everybody hates Hitler.

"Who's Hitler?" asked Pippin.

"Oh, I'm sure it was some king who wanted nothing more than to help his good people," said Merry.

"You both are idiots," said Gimli. "Everybody knows that Hitler is a name of a company that sells hot dogs."

"Oh yeah," remembered Pippin. "They sure have good hot dogs."

"One taste and you'll get it," added in Aragorn.

"Isn't that the slogan for Dr. Pepper?" asked Legolas.

"Who knows? Who cares?"

"Oh, I'm sure somebody does," said Gimli.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I don't own Dr. Pepper, just in case you wanted to know.

Me: Well, it's not exactly that long of a chapter. Oh well.

REVIEW!

p.s. Please.

p.p.s. Axel is mine. Mwahahahahahaha.


End file.
